So totally the best part about reading White Noise just now was knowing that THERE WAS MORE OVER HERE. /reads
Concrit (and if I am ever annoying you with this, just tell me and I'll shut up)- "When he finally speaks, it comes out of his mouth like word vomit" - just try "vomit" and see how it works. "even though he doesn't say that part to fix the situation" - I think you can just say "even though he doesn't say it" and still have the point come across, actually. "Unfortunately, Green isn't really in the mood to deal with Leaf - not that he's ever in the mood to deal with her, but he usually has the courtesy to put up with her, if only because she was visiting him from lands far away and only for short bouts of time - but this time, he barely gives her the time of day." - Woah that is a long sentence. Chop it up?
Also you're missing stray words here and there--I don't remember where exactly anymore but, yeah.
The reason, by the way, that I keep mentioning "oh take this out" or "oh take that out" is because your fic is SO MOVING that I'm like "aaa why is this word here I want to read faster aaaa" so, um, it's actually a compliment. >_>
OH MY GOD PIKACHU RUNNING AFTER HIM IN THE SNOW. Like seriously I might have maybe teared up a little. AAAA. By the whole dream closet part I was just tearing up everywhere like a loser, omg. Aaaa Green and Red please stay this adorable forever ;A;
She pulls him down for a kiss - on the cheek of course, because her boyfriend is watching and because she wouldn't again, not after that time. YOU JUST ABOUT KILLED ME WITH THE IMPLICATION HERE. AS;LDKFJALEKJRASD.FKAS;LJ. (btw, Green and Leaf having a horrible failed fling is totally my headcanon too?)
Oh my God when Green finds out that Daisy doesn't have a kid, seriously, my heart dropped. Oh my God.
But, um. I was reading and literally holding my breath through that ending and, um. I am really confused by the end there.
Isn't Green going crazy? How is it fixed? What is going on? Red's back and hooray but isn't Green still going crazy? Aaaa what is happening ;A;
Am I missing something? I am confused.
Overall though this fic was even better than white noise in its ability to keep me riveted. It was so dramatic and fascinating and terribly sad, and oh man. Chrysa. You're incredible. Ilu ♥
I am sorry my comments are so long but I can't stop fangirling
Concrit (and if I am ever annoying you with this, just tell me and I'll shut up)-
"When he finally speaks, it comes out of his mouth like word vomit" - just try "vomit" and see how it works.
"even though he doesn't say that part to fix the situation" - I think you can just say "even though he doesn't say it" and still have the point come across, actually.
"Unfortunately, Green isn't really in the mood to deal with Leaf - not that he's ever in the mood to deal with her, but he usually has the courtesy to put up with her, if only because she was visiting him from lands far away and only for short bouts of time - but this time, he barely gives her the time of day." - Woah that is a long sentence. Chop it up?
Also you're missing stray words here and there--I don't remember where exactly anymore but, yeah.
The reason, by the way, that I keep mentioning "oh take this out" or "oh take that out" is because your fic is SO MOVING that I'm like "aaa why is this word here I want to read faster aaaa" so, um, it's actually a compliment. >_>
OH MY GOD PIKACHU RUNNING AFTER HIM IN THE SNOW. Like seriously I might have maybe teared up a little. AAAA. By the whole dream closet part I was just tearing up everywhere like a loser, omg. Aaaa Green and Red please stay this adorable forever ;A;
She pulls him down for a kiss - on the cheek of course, because her boyfriend is watching and because she wouldn't again, not after that time. YOU JUST ABOUT KILLED ME WITH THE IMPLICATION HERE. AS;LDKFJALEKJRASD.FKAS;LJ. (btw, Green and Leaf having a horrible failed fling is totally my headcanon too?)
Oh my God when Green finds out that Daisy doesn't have a kid, seriously, my heart dropped. Oh my God.
But, um. I was reading and literally holding my breath through that ending and, um. I am really confused by the end there.
Isn't Green going crazy? How is it fixed? What is going on? Red's back and hooray but isn't Green still going crazy? Aaaa what is happening ;A;
Am I missing something? I am confused.
Overall though this fic was even better than white noise in its ability to keep me riveted. It was so dramatic and fascinating and terribly sad, and oh man. Chrysa. You're incredible. Ilu ♥