outstretched: A chibified cute furret on a brown backround (Love Revolution)
For every mile of ocean crossed ☆ ([personal profile] outstretched) wrote in [community profile] southofreality 2010-07-18 02:54 am (UTC)

Aaaa, Kyuuuuu. Why are you so amazing. ;_;

(1) I have a horrific soft spot for Green/Silver (it's actually tied with Red/Green for favorite pairing) so the first fic made me d'aww everywhere.

The repetition in the beginning was nice, esp. "Makes them talk" and "young."

you forgot to capitalize some of Green's thoughts, although that might have been intentional—I'm not sure.

I have no reason why "assuredly" is bothering me as much as it is. Perhaps because it carries the connotation of confidence and that's out of place here? I looked it up, and you're not really using it wrong, so I don't even know. Ignore me I guess.

;askldjfalj I loved the end, though. You compare their characters quite nicely. Green and Silver ad;lfkjalkerj

(2) You just had shoulder-placing and the phrase "can't help but" at the end of fic one--having it again at the start of fic 2 feels repetitive, even though the pieces are separate. (Actually, you say "can't help but" a lot throughout.)

I was laughing throughout this whole piece! Oh, Green, you are so terrible. He's so IC. XD The mention of a thousand suns made me crack up irl, ahah! Also pouty Eevee = awesome.

(3) The mention of "all alone" made me feel so sad ;_; but it's totally accurate--I don't think he'd want kids if he was by himself.

"he doesn't think he'd like to deal with that as well." -- try "deal with that himself"?

"no one's ever, ever acknowledged until now much he loves Pokémon" -- until now how much

a;dsljfakljef Hibiki was so adorable. And Green was hilarious! It's so amusing to think of a cantankerous Green raising hoard after hoard of small young energetic creatures.

(4) "But now that Green knows, and it's never going to leave his hand." -- take out the and?

The very end where he writes his own phone number made my heart melt, zomg. a;lkfja Leaf. I didn't recognize your take on her here, but I liked that! It was a different view on why she would like Pokemon.

(Also, did Eevee eat her phone number because she wants Green all to herself? ♥)

(5) A;LDSKJFA;LK;SJFLAKJF;LAKJER;EARKALS;RJAA;ELKJ /DIES

AAA RED WHY SO ADORABLE AAAA.

/will continue in a sec, has to switch computers

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