http://solarpillar.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] solarpillar.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] southofreality 2011-11-14 04:50 am (UTC)

Since I'm no longer lurking I'm here to comment.

I think this one is pretty loyal to the ambiance of Vienna Teng and 25 Lives.

However, there's a sentence that felt a bit awkward at the first twenty-two where Green is a singer, there's

His stranger almost looks like he wants to stop him, but stops just short.

The first use of "his stranger" was in the context of

"Hi," he says. His stranger stares back. "Who am I making this out to?"

And that was fine. But the second was

He doesn't let his smile waver, though. His stranger almost looks like he wants to stop him, but stops just short.

I know that you're using the repetition of "his stranger" to nail in the emphasis, but it's not Green's stranger any more, it's a stranger that's Misty's boyfriend. Maybe "the stranger" would put better emphasis on the fact that Red's no longer his? Sorry it's kind of nitpicking. It's almost an year-old fic and I'm doing that... Tell me if you don't want me to do that.

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